Rhod Gilbert on BBC Radio Wales.

If you are listening to this, you are listening to Rhod Gilbert's Best Bits, some of the best bits of my Saturday morning radio show, live on BBC Radio Wales. This week, I'm in a studio in Carmarthen with Chris Corcoran.

Hey, I was impressed by you today. Our listener__, I'll read out the text I got. This is the text I got from Korkey, ... very __ 11 o'clock start ... ladies and gentlemen, the show, really, sort of, uh ... here's the text I got from Korkey ... "ETA: 11:01" ... There it is. That's the kind of shambolic amateurism I've come to expect from my co-hosts. ... I was here 20 minutes before the start of the show, I'll have you know, / Yeah, well ... / ... sipping coffee, relaxing ... / first I / gamboling light-heartedly through the newspapers / first __ is everything / You turned up earlier, though. You turned up, uh, three minutes to eleven. / Well, I'd say, put it in the context / did. __ turned up / turned up 3 minutes ... 3 minutes to 11 / I looked up / I was quite startled. "Huh. You're early." / __ expect the worst __ what comes, mate / prep __ __ were learning / No. No. But I'm here. I'm here to ... uh ... you know, play ball ... keep the ball up.

Uh ... light-hearted gambol through the newspapers, we're on. Korkey __ __ __ you've got the newspaper there in front of you, and I ... I see that you have, uh ... you've flicked your newspaper to the gardening page / gardening section / Oh, is that that bloke who's always talking / innuendos / ... Oh, I don't know / you know, Ask D__, or whatever his name is / DYI guy, and then people write in and goes, / no, not that DIY guy / p__ hedges / is ... is getting un__dy / I can ... I can barely get my hands on my own petunias. How do I trim it?" and that kinda stuff / Well, shall we see? / everything / You Ask David, it's called / first question __ from Mrs. M__ / G__ in Middlesex__ ... / She doesn't exist, Mrs. __ __ in G__ in Middlesex / Well, let's see __ her question is, "Why are flower buds dropping off my camellia ... / Exactly. Exactly. God, I told you. Every ... / Ooo, Mrs. G__ / __ __ __ __ __ __ served / see what the next one is? / let's see what the next one is / I guarantee you / I haven't read it __ either / I guarantee you it will be ... it will be an innuendo. / OK. Uh ... this is from Mr. __ __, uh, from __ __ __ __ listening / Hello, Mr. B__ / He says ... and there's a ... he says, "How can I avoid carrot root fly? / __ __ just __ __ __ innuendo there. / Yeah. / I wouldn't have ... I wouldn't have printed that. / There is a picture __ __ carrot next to it / Is there? / Yeah. / how __ __ __ __? / put / like / really black / is / is it hairy? / Yeah, __ __ / that's what I would have done. That's what I would have done if I was the picture editor ... / Yeah / ... stuck / on it / __ __ __ __ __ __ asking him? / I am g__ing ... / Oh. You ... / I am g__ing to know. / "What is eating my yellow __ flowers? / honestly / what is it? It's hard to say without seeing them / he says / the picture / No, she hasn't / unhelpfully. ... But he says, "Sparrows love __ / You would have noticed if it was a sparrow ... surely / スズメに食われてたんならさすがに気付くだろ。質問するまでもない。 / She means ... / ob__, is she? / ... she means, like, some kind of insect or something, doesn't she? You'd notice / sparrow / apparently / sparrow on __ c__, and, apparently, what you should do is to push canes into the ground around the plants and stretch black cotton between them. ... Saucy. / stop sparrows nibbling your crocus / Oh, do you wanna know what Mrs. __ __ __ Plymouth / is asking him? / Yeah. / "Why is my pink f__ __ c__ / Oh, come on, Mrs. __ from Plymouth / Come on. / Come on. We didn't even get to the end of the sentence. __ __ got __ pink flower / do you wanna know what his reply is? / honestly / sparrows / "Che ..." No. ... "Cherries are usually __ed / the root stock is more vigorous than __ variety, and may produce __ __ __ flowers / Hmm ... OK. / This isn't ... / answer __ __ as good as the question / I think __ __ __ / some of these. ... Uh ... listen, I __ __ some more music, and, uh, because ... I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. Uh ... I've got a quiz for you. / Is it the, uh ... __ __ __ __? / Well ... one of them is Tea Bag Quiz. / I like the sound of that. / It is ... it is quite good. It's different ... it's a different format to the usual quiz. / What is the format? / Well, the format of a normal quiz __ __ here __ I ask you questions. ... Innit? / That's the format most quizzes __ __ / __ __ universally accepted, uh, well-proven ... / How's this one different? / This one is, I give you ... during the news ... / Huh huh, / I set you a challenge of ... Feel free to play along at home if you've got nothing else better during the news ... / Huh, / ... I set you a challenge of trying to come up with 15 interesting or novel uses for a used tea bag. / OK. / And then I have my little ... / little list in front of me / I found it ... I found it somewhere in the newspaper / OK. / Uh, definitive list / yeah / official uses for used tea bags / and see how many you get / Lloyd ... Lloyd Langford g__ 2 out of 15 / __ __ __ __ __ sounds quite hard / Lloyd got 2. Eggsy got 2. / Wow / Yeah / give __ __ __ shot / during the news.

Hi Rhod and Korkey/Little Lloyd/Barry/Eggsy / I think some of these people __ __ in the week, you know, / Huh. / before the show starts / __'ve established yourself that, uh ... We've got, uh, Korkey here as co-host today. "I / show" it says. __ __ ... / as / is one of the few places I can feel younger than average, at 45" That is absolutely true, mate. That is absolutely true. __ __ young listener__ __ this show, innit? ... a young p__ / thanks and keep putting off younger listeners __ __ __ / この番組を聴いていると、45 歳の自分が若く感じられます。若いリスナーを遠ざけてくれてありがとう。 / it's not that I / try / to put them off, uh, Martine. ... "Feature ideas" I'm not sure about these, mate. / Huh huh. / Uh ... "Most unlikely ..." we've done this before, in fact. / Yeah? / most un ... most unlikely foreign situation where listeners have been where __ __ bumped into someone you know" We've done that. We've done that. / Yeah. / Haven't we? / And / conclusion that it's not that unusual because / go on __ same routes more or less / ... type of thing, / come from a similar / group / but ultimately that's probably / it's all about. But it's a bit of a coincidence / it is a bit of a coincidence. / Uh ... "I was on a business trip to Geneva / Huh huh, / ... with colleagues / here we go. / It is. / OK. / "I was approached on the street by someone begging who I had been to school with. / Oh, hello / dear / sort of, ... that / funny turn, that. __ __ ... you know, not funny __ ... somebody in the, uh, / unfortunate situation / strange / is there __ happy ending to this? / No. That's it. / Huh. / instead of ... instead of Martin giving __ some nice feel-good, warm ending, where he helped out this person / whatever / re-kindled __ school friendship / he __ just suggested as a feature / Oh. / Martin / Oh, Martin. ... Please. / Come on, Martin. If you ... if you helped him out, don't be modest. Tell us ... tell us what you did. / n't sound like / he / suggested / funny feature / It's not a funny feature / Martin / it / in Hong Kong, this M__ guy. / Yeah. He / helping any homeless. / ... On the backs of the paw, mate. That / you've made your million / done / Yeah. / Now then ... I like this one. ... Weirdest request a stranger has made. / OK. / a good feature / that / example / homeless person asking for a pound / ホームレスから１ポンドねだられた、って話じゃないだろうね。 / No. / OK. / Weirdest request that a stranger has made to you. ... I like the feature, by the way. ... "I was once walking to work through a London park ... / Yeah. / ... __ a man asked me to hold his metal detector. / OK. / I held his metal detector. He took a photograph, gave me ten pounds, __ thanked me__ __ and said __ for __ metal detector magazine / quite an unusual one, isn't it? / walking / minding __ own business / thanks for that. Here's ten pounds." ... Strange. / That's weird ... 'cause I thought you were gonna say / dug a little hole ... and / got something out / asking to mind his metal detector / ... No. Why would you do that? / Well, because / maybe / put / digging the hole / doesn't / put / in case / nicks it. Do you know what I mean? / metal detector / oh, hang on, there's another metal detector on the floor / yeah / pile / metal detector area __ __ __ that is a threat. / That is a threat, yeah. ... But then giving it to a stranger is a threat as well / Well, I guess / treasure / like / trustworthy, which is weird because, as it turns out, he's not. / __ cat. ... "Hey Rhod and Chris, I always listen to the podcast / Chris / nice to be called Chris, innit? / how __ you feel about that, Korkey? / Good. / Good? Uh ... this is from I__ __ __ __ 16 years old in __ / uh ... "Hey Rhod and Chris, I always listen to the podcast, but I've never listened live before. / Here we go. / Can I have a shout out whilst enduring boring English revision / Huh. You go for it, mate. / How would you ... you are a teacher, Korkey, / Hmm. / Well, I mean / teacher ... you were a teacher. / Sure. / English shouldn't be boring, should it? / what's the problem, Korkey? / I think it's __ ... there's a lot of it, Rhod, / lot of English / lot of English / there's a word for everything. / Huh. / Innit? / so, there is a lot / pressure these students / lot / country / enjoy it / but it's not / gotta do chemistry as well / how / make / more interesting / Huh / chemicals __ stuff / Come on. / __. ... How would you make English more interesting? / Apart from making a little, uh, you know, like hidrogen __ __ / go / when you put a flame over it and / making __ gaseous smells, there's nothing in chemistry that is interesting. / Granted. Apart from that ... which is a lot of fun, ... / Chemistry is boring. / Apart from stinking bombs / smoke bombs. Smoke bombs are fun. / Apart from chemistry smoke bombs ... / ... what has chemistry ever done for us? / ... apart from stink bombs ... so childish. ... Uh ... so, how do you make English more interesting? / __ __ __ __ __ __ / good / chemistry / how could you ... What about writing ... um ... / Yeah? / I ... I think if kids wrote more __ creative writing / Yeah. / creative writing is fun, innit? It's quite interesting. A lot of people don't realize that they can do / fun / just write stuff down. Do it for fun. / I__ __, here we go. To make English more interesting, just / do it for fun. / Good idea. / Yeah. / Yeah. Or put a hat on. Put a funny hat on / I / stink bomb. ... "What's your favorite word?", says I__ __ ... Oh, he's already having fun with it / having fun with it / this / this / up there, I think / Black A__ __ you. ... I haven't got one. / Have you not? / which is funny / boring / you speak a lot of languages / yeah ... yeah. / no / I haven't got a favorite word. / Have you got a favorite word in Spanish, though? / No. / Have you got one in Welsh? / No. / How about English? / No / You speak a bit of French. / OK. __, you're right, Rhod / any favorite words in them / I'm just not / favorite-word type of guy. / No? / "stink bomb" / I like / that's all / Good morning, Rhod and Korkey / Good morning / what am I doing today?" ... I don't know. Sort of ... having a conversation with yourself, by the sound of it. / Emailing him. / Yeah. "I'm listening to you from a hospital bed." ... Oh. / I can't wait for Tea Bag Quiz. / Huh. / says Lily, listening in D__ hospital, West Yorkshire. Lily, what's wrong? / get back in touch, L__. What / perhaps / like a song / we can do for you / make your time in, uh ... in hospital more ... / 君が病院で過ごす時間を少しでも ... / apart from Tea Bag Quiz. / Apart ... what if we make a stink bomb __ __ __ during the news / OK / Uh ... "Rhod and Korkey / from T__ is back. / Huh. That's the man whose, uh, wife / lover / that's the one. ... "When I had / they all grew to the same height / c__ / little riddle from D__ C__ / whose wife / a lover / when / my d__s / yeah / already, that's a loaded sentence, isn't it? / see / that person earlier / 16 years old / revising for English / talking about English, making it interesting / huh / you know ... See, that's a ... that's a ... that's a good start of a story, isn't it ... "When I had daffodils ..." What's happened? / life / anymore / It is, yeah. / period of your life / now you no longer have daffodils / and why? ... bacause once __ planted / so, how have you not got them any more? / how / did your wife take them? / Well, exactly. / ... when she left / that would be weird, wouldn't it? ... / scooping up bulbs / ... Why would you / maybe he / pet / maybe she tried to take the dogs. ... Maybe / tried / he wouldn't agree. / You reckon __ __ ami__ arrangement / everything else / she / d__ bulbs / she / fl__a / he had f__a. / ... Uh ... "When I had my daffodils, / they all grew to the same height. Why is that?", says D__ __. / that's obvious. / "None shorter", he says / none longer. Why? / all flowers of the same s__ / 同じ種の花は全部同じ高さに育つんじゃないの？ / is there / I don't know. ... Is there s__ of flower? / Uh ... anyway, the point is, they all grow the same height / of course they do / I don't think they do, mate. / Rhod, picture / hang on / got a tall one / hang on / or / same height / I haven't got it yet. / Sorry. / You keep talking. ... OK, got it. / are they all the same height? / You only said picture one ... / 全部同じ高さかい？ / １本想像しろ、と言ったじゃないか。だから１本しか想像してないよ。 / ... All right. Take your time. Picture ... / __ __ __ __ / a couple of s__s / A couple? Two? / next to each other / maybe ... maybe I / more than two / three / three / s__drops. ... Yeah. / Are they all the same height? / No. / how ... how are they different? / __ middle __ a bit shorter. / ... How much shorter, though? / ... Half an inch. / Is it? / Yeah. ... It's ... it's hard to tell. I __ standing / I should have __ closer in my imagination / I didn't plant / Huh. Right. / I can't take credit for that. They're wild / I was wondering / a bit / explained it / __, Well, I, ... I don't know / your imagination / rewind my imagination to see / plant / 誰かが花を植えている最中まで想像を巻き戻せってのか？ / I don't know / I can't come up with __ answers / your / imaginary / happened / try it again / I just look back ... just cast my mind back / try it again / OK / So, imagine a field of poppies. / ... Yeah. / What are their heights? / ... All of them? / Yeah. / Well, first one's about ... / ... Generally speaking, ... at a glance. / At a glance? / Yeah. Are they all about the same height? / Yeah. / same / that's like looking at a cloud of people / 背丈は一人一人違う。しかし、群衆を見たら、背丈なんてみんな同じに見えるだろ。 / same height?" / yeah, about the same height / that's / interesting point / good point / Yeah. ... But I maintain that all p__s / basically ... basically the same height, and the reason / "basically the same height" means they're all different heights / just / can I stop you / another flower / I've gotta imagine all / same height / Well, let's see what / imagination / OK. Are you ready? ... Oh, / turns out / imagine / field of daffodil__ / never field of d__s / would if / selling them. / Huh, yeah, good point. / Yeah. ... OK. Imagine / n__y. __ you? / children / oh yeah. / ... Imagine / children / there you go / brings more evidence to the point that / same s__s / he says "exactly the same height" / none / listen to the words / none shorter, none longer. Why? / supermarket / demand them as such. ... __ __ __ __ __ engineering / quite deep / political / get off it / I think / cut / don't / No, they do. That's why you don't get w__y carrots / That's not what / you're saying that / they select ... they select the none-w__y ones / I__ accept that / select / yeah / bin them / you mean? / or whatever / daffodil / same length / don't / don't go round and / not growing / same length / that suggests that / individually cutting daffodils / dependent on their height / that's not what happens / I saw this / documentary / that's like saying / saying / demands monks all have the same / ring / around their head / cut __ __ / ... I can't comment on monks, mate. ... Hair-cut is my speciality / flower height / you / right into /

This is Rhod Gilbert live on BBC Radio Wales with Mr. Chris Corcoran, who is panicking, ladies and gentlemen, panicking. Do you know why? Because I've stipulated that he has to have 15 novel and interesting things to do ... / You didn't say __ novel and interesting / ... with used tea bags / well, 15 things to do with used tea bags / just said to me during / I've got 12 / I'm afraid you need 15 to enter Tea Bag Quiz. It looks like he / even / enter / I've got 13 now. / I / be / all right / two more / even enter Tea Bag Quiz. / Yeah. / seriously / ... That is true. / you know / give it / more g__s / do / if ... if we actually do / looking pretty doubtful, I would say / just / past / I'd be so annoyed if I / two more / as will ... / I will ... / ... the sick old lady / sat in ... sat in __ hospital bed / who / desparate / Tea Bag Quiz / she / on your head, Rhod / but I think / more entertaining if you don't get to do Tea Bag Quiz / enough things. / weird brain. ... Tea Bag ... Tea Bag lady sat in __ hospital bed / be devastated. / foot / snake / a pensioner opened his oven to find a three-foot snake inside. / OK. / How did that get in there / was ... was it done? / I don't know / 65 / was he trying to cook it / I don't know. "He scooped the black and white banded California Kingsnake, thought to be an escaped pet. He scooped it into a box and alerted the police / right thing to do. Good work / No, it's not. Don't touch / shut the ... / don't scoop / unless you are a trained in ... in snake-scooping / get an expert. Get a snake-scooper in. / Well, where're you gonna find / mate, don't tell people / That's a really bad idea. / Don't pick up snakes, kids / Well done. / any human / don't pick up / adult / that's kind of patronizing / Anybody. / Anybody ... / Yeah. / the message ... the point is, don't pick up snakes. / Mr. __ from __ near __ / yeah / ... thinks the snake came through a small gap between the oven and the fitted cupboards. / Well, / got in somehow / I don't think that's the point, is it? / What? Having got in there? / interesting point / the / found the reptile ... ", and I quote ... / Yeah? / "... a temporary home." / Huh. / like a mobile home / ... Well / caravan / could be a __ __ __ __ __ __ very long. / ... Where __ __ __ go then? / Well, ... well ... that's the trouble with these animals / not wanted / what / your face is dropped / well / sad story to tell / like you know something about temporary re-housing of snakes / well / you know / you know / released into / anywhere, mate / a snake / Pithon / you were not even listening / パイソンをそのへんに放しちゃいけないよ。 / パイソンて ... おまえ、俺の話を全然聞いてないだろ？ / Tea Bag Quiz / word I said / standard oven / I / standard oven / how / what else / 65-year-old pensioner from / not / fair enough. ... What sort of / It says here / small / and the fitted cupboard / python / that's not / オーブンと戸棚の隙間から入ってきたんだぞ。パイソンなわけあるか。 / unbelievable. / __ got in / back of the oven and the fitted cupboards / was / himself so tightly / open / door / sh__'s pie / he was cooking / I'll tell you what / surprising / this is / poisonous / what breed? / black / I told you / again / I wasn't listening / Snake Quiz / black and white banded California Kingsnake / you / released / they're poisonous. / No / this one / specifically / I / really / at all, did I? / not at all / go back to, uh ... / got / find a permanent home in California / no one's gonna pay / Hotel California for a couple of days / and / wouldn't post / snake / back / put them in / put / special container__ / Oh, yeah. / to people / put them in / they don't put / mate / that's what they do, yeah / red stick out __ the top. / ... Maybe you know more about __ than we do. ... That's plausible. / how / you / Tea Bag Quiz / really good one / You've got 14 / remind you / 15 / eligible to play Tea Bag Quiz / Roger that. I'm all over it. / so / looking at the situation / I'm in / let / In that case, ... coming up after __ __ __ __ / it's Tea Bag Quiz. / Yeah. / Korky has just qualified.

Bill from Newport __ __ __ by a total stranger / asked by a stranger / this is __, uh ... suggestion / feature by, uh, somebody earlier / asked / total stranger to park her car for her because she couldn't do it." ... See? ... could easily be a bloke / in that story / just tell us a story / asked by a total stranger to park her car / she couldn't do it / another one / which was very good. ... Uh, / about cars. ... "Hi Rhod and Korkey / as a taxi driver ... as a taxi driver, my weirdest request from a stranger ..." This is a weird one. / Huh. / "... was to take her __ car dealer's, test-drive a car with her, then negotiate a price, and buy the car with the cash she gave me while she waited in my taxi. / Wow. / That is from G__ / I don't know who / Lily in hospital is back. / we go. She's __ Tea Bag Quiz woman / 15 minutes / old lady in __ hospital / she says / it's nothing life-threatening. I'm / I've got __ infection. / Huh. / Thanks for cheering me up. The thought of Tea Bag Quiz is enough to keep me going." / She's great. / "Tea Bag Quiz-related question" Huh, she / do / contain any tea?" ... Huhhhh, a bit of a __ there / hospital. Uh ... I'm not sure / spent / warrant / cup of tea / um ... but I'm sure they do. ... Now then, Tea Bag Quiz. Let's do it. / Tea Bag Quiz ! / let me / you hold the fort / I just go and get / amongst / all over the floor / That's exactly what I'm gonna do / here we go / Huh, / really well there. / Thanks, mate. / "Here we go", you said / you / own sound effect of newspapers. / Oh, that's my Chimp Quiz note / Chimp Quiz / nice to see a piece of paper you wrote / after all these months / all __ed and dirty. / Tea Bag Quiz / remind you / yeah / for those / at home / I'm proper excited / Lily, __ yourself. / You have one minute. ... From / starts now", you have 60 seconds / to name / clock on it / why / for excitement / say / clock on it / countdown or something / jeorpady / crucial to the ... All right. / joepardy / OK. Fine / excitement / into the show / It's my quiz / made it work / I made it work. / OK. / people like that one woman / hospital-bound / people __ __ hospital bed / love this quiz / ok / now / 15 things to do with used tea bags / I've got 15 in front of me. Your job / as many as you can / on this list / how many / need / straight / because of / 60 seconds, uh, limitation__ / half the time / just checking / 実は、正解のリストを読み通すだけで２分かかるので、１分以内に答えろというのはかなり過酷な条件ではある。/ find it frustrating. ... You will find / there's no question / let m have a quick look / share my thoughts / really keen / let me / remind myself of some / on this list / can I predict how many / you can / About 4. / ... Confident. / Huh. / That is confident. Eggsy / had two / leader board / so, it's your turn. / OK. / And your time ... is going to start ... now. Go. / OK. You can reuse them to make more tea. / No. / OK. You can use them as compost. / ... Yes. / Thank you. Uh ... You can use them for some sort of leisure thing / safe paint ball at home / soggy ones / chuck / some sort of leasure game. / ... No. / OK. Uh ... some sort of cleaning sponge? ... / you know, wiping down surfaces / lemon, you know / Right. Let me check. ... Surfaces. ... I can't give you surfaces / OK / what part of yourself? / your face / Your armpits. ... Deodorant / I'm sure I saw / somewhere / minute / got / give it to you / OK / reduce some sort of swelling when / cold / give it to you. / Yeah / like / people used / and then / like like __ tights / a little bit longer there / can / a minute's ridiculous. ... Can I / does / frustrating / so many answers. ... Can I do / for fun? / Sorry / I can't / see / let me just check to see if / must have / fake tan / sometimes I / there, mate / it's not / part of the body / you didn't get / part of the body / I'm afraid ... that's it / two as well. So, / Korkey / as well. ... What else did you have? / Well, I had / using hot / hand-warmers / huh / and I / if you dry them, you could stuff / bean bag with them / Huh huh, / you could use / art / dry them / c__ / like a pasta c__, you know / you __ dry them, tie a ribbon around them / use / wedding gift / that's not really a suggestion / just a bit silly / table / mean / black snow / Gothic film / you could, sort of, open them up / __ old black snow in __ Gothic film / no / do they keep slugs away / OK. Uh ... / why would they keep slugs away? / literally just a guess? / yeah. I just thought / maybe / if you are saying "Could you / slug / to go around / No. I think / incovenience / then, yes, you could / slug / definitely / put it down / say that / any object / it's not on the list / OK. / true of any object. / OK. Fine. / juggling balls / お手玉 / tell you / That's a good idea, innit? / Hey, I love your juggling balls / can't give it to you / list / good one, though. Another good one. That is a good one. / or, in cooking, um ... you make tea loaf / tea leaves / potantially / I'm not giving it to you / because that / more people to play / sure / haven't / black snow / checking / __ __ __ __ __ mate. / strange things / juggling balls. Come on, / must / away / mate / now / then / music / congratulations / you've got two, / thanks / equaling / Lloyd / Lily / hospital / enjoyed that

Korkey, by the way, grabbed the Tea Bag Quiz answers off me / going / got more than two / how competitive is that? How competitive is that? He was going through / I / I / no, you didn't / and that is what the official record is.

If you enjoyed that, why don't you / Rhod Gilbert live on Saturday mornings, BBC Radio Wales, 11 till 1.

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